I can't sleep

As I obviously just stated, i can't sleep. But I'll update you. I'm at 116.6  tonight, however i;m going ot be with family all day later and i'm sure i'm going to have to eat. Luckily i'm a vegetarian
 ;)

37

whew! Its been 37 hours since i've eaten :) My goal is to go to 48 :) I was really wanting to be 115 by today, but i messed up on sunday and monday, so I didn't get there :( This mornings weigh in was 118.2. ick.  the other day my evening was actually lower than my morning, so i'm hoping that'll happen today :)

Blah i hate breaks!!!! All that nasty food is taunting me. i don't want it though. Like i literally went and forced myself to sit in the kitchen and not touch anything. I've found that i  just want to chew something, so i just crush up some ice and i'm good to go! i can't even take the taste of a peppermint because i feel like the lingering taste leaves ligering cals. They're only 15 cal a peice, but it feels like more. So i'm on the the ice diet :)

love ya girls!!!

Every fail is an oppertunity to get back up and do it again, only this time even better

                So i have a lot to update on. I met a guy. He's really nice and makes me feel beautiful, so for a couple days i thought i could ease up......but tonight Ana came back. I heard again. She understood, but she was still furious. She can give me everything i want, and now that i have him, i want it all. I want to be able to run and jump into his arms and he be able to catch me with one hand. I want him to feel as though he has to hold me down when we walk outside for fear of the wind blowing me away. I know it sounds cliche and stupid, but he's perfect.....he's a jock so he's got this amazing body :) and it just makes me want to be even tinier!!! I'm floating around 120-119 ish, but ugh that seems so high!!! And my mom told me yesterday that i could loose another 5 pounds. I acted a lil upset (as though i thought i was at the perfect weight, HA!) but i'm secretly pleased :) this means i can get down to 115 w/o her caring, and then 110, then 103.....oooo the possibilities :D i'm sooo giddy i feel like a lil girl who just got her fist kiss!!

          
                I've been comfortable with myself, and so i've allowed myself to slip up since thursday. But that all ends right now. I made a promise to Ana not to eat a morsel and not to let a crumb pass my lips. I really intend to uphold it this time :) People are starting to notice that i'm not eating. I had 4 people come up to me at church just to make sure i WAS eating. Inside i'm kinda happy that people are thinking i'm getting skinneier, but that will never be enough.......i want to be underweight. I want to be sent away b/c people think i'm so sick...does that make since? Or is it just really morbid?

               Like my title says, i've failed the last couple days, but that all ends tonight. I'm back on track and nothing will get in my way of being 103 lbs!!!!!

                lots of love, B :)

i hate myself.

school parties suck. i hate them. i failed yesterday. i really failed today. i don't even wanna talk about it cause it was so bad. i just popped two laxatives, i hope they'll help. btw, i'm hovering around 120.

soooo weak

hey guys, so yesterday i had a grand total of 95 cals, and boy am i weak. I've got finals today, so i'm gonna drink a glass of orange juice. i was taking a shower and i almost passed out. As exciting as that is, i can't afford to do that at school.....too many  (ok two) people are already suspicious. Love ya guys!

hey guys

ok yes i know, its been forever since i posted. Believe me, i know. So lemme tell you why. My parents are divorced and have been since i was 5, everything was going great...until this year. So we had family counseling and now i spend two weeks at a time with one parent and my mom doesn't have internet. But now i'm over here till Christmas eve :) so yesterday i got down to 120.2!! But i was with my mom all day  and we were shopping but then she made enchiladas and i ate a whole freaking one! god i'm such a freaking fatty!!! Today's weigh in was 123.3. i was so close yesterday...almost to 119, i could touch it. And then i ate. Eating doesn't solve any of my problems, it only makes it worse, so why do i do it?? Everytime i switch houses its like i have to get use to the fact that theres another kitchen i have to steer myself awasy form, so its like i have to start all over. Do you ever feel like this? Then today i didnt' pack a lunch (duh) and my friend got really mad at me, and made me eat. I'm not so good at being secretive apparently, cause people are starting to notice. But i'm back over at my dad's so i can take healthy food, and manage to fool everyone into thinking i'm eating when really i'm only eating about 36 cals ;) and my dad gives me a lot more privacy, so that makes me happy :) anyway i'm gonna go look at thinspo, i haven't seen any in waaaaaay to long. I was almost beginning to think i was getting skinny enough!

Bye girlies!!

Good Morning Darlins!!!

OH GOODNESS I'M SO HAPPY!!!!! I hadn't planned on weighing till sunday morning cause i knew i was going to put on a few pounds due to Thanksgiving. (btw i was rjight, Thanksgiving is still awful, it doesn't matter who I spend it with i always get crap from the other parent) ANYWAYS so I broke my rule and weighed...........123.7!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Clearly i was happy about this :) I'm listening to this song and it just went "my phone is ringing, or am i dreaming, my phone is ringing, I wanna scream like a whore!" What the hell am i listening to?!?!? 
     So dad just left to go buy cheese because he's making me an omellette for breakfast. Crap. And i really like his omelettes, but if i eat it, then i can only have like 75 calories for the rest of the day and since dad's home, thats not gonna happen. And i don't want to purge it  because i HATE purging. I used to not mind it, i actually felt really good when i saw my marker floating around and i knew i got everything up, but now....idk. I've just kinda loss the taste for it. (Not that it taste good, that was a metaphor) Last night i had a bad case of the munchies so i crushed up some ice, I got an icee maker for my birthday like 5 years ago. Its wonderful. but my bro (who KEPT EATING BESIDE ME) was like, "what are you doing?' and i justplayed the innocent school girl and was like, "what do you mean?? I just like ice sometimes." And he stopped bothereing me about it, but i could kinda tell he didn't believe me. What makes us so muchie? I hate the munchies. But my night ended up with my bro runnning out of hte house to go stop my mom from smashing everything at my dad's. I'm currently trying to move into my dad's and she's not taking it well. I personally think she needs to get some institutional help, but she won't listen to me. So I told her i would go back to her house if she got counseling. She didn't take that well either. When i actually went over to her house for a couple days (bad move) we got into it and she said something about how she's always been there for emotional support. I laughed looked her straight in the face and said very clamly, "mom, when i finally told you i was cuttign myself, who made fun of me? You did. Now i'm not sure about the rest of the workd, but THAT does not just scream emotional support to me." And walked to my room. Later my dad came and got me :) I love my daddy, he's my super hero. My really big fat slightly obese super hero :D But thats ok cause he's like a big giant fluffy pillow!
         Sorry for this really long rant, i just wanted to get it all out. At least i know that someone will read this. Do you ever feel isolated? Like all the people you really need are hundreds of miles away from you? Thats how i feel right now. An ana buddy of mine was txting me last night, i think she lives somewhere up north somewhere,. but i wish someone lived near me so we could actually hang out and talk face to face :(
           Anyways i'll probably post later, cause i 'm wierd like that :) Love you girls!

ok, back to where i was

Bad news, I ate two mini rice crispie treats :( I hate myself. I could hear her yelling at me, screaming.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
just one, it won't hurt, its only like 46 calories...
"46??? You're too busy to puke, you already had cereal this morning AND raisins! You left me yesterday, you walked away and shut me out. I thought you said you wanted my help.."
I did! I do!! Yesterday was just a mistake
"Then why the hell are you eating today? 200 calories is bad enough, but you think 300 is a good number? I can't believe you! Are you eating ANOTHER ONE?!?!?!" 
I'm sorry, its just too good, i can't help it..
"You have no self control. I loathe you. Why? Come back to me, I can give you everything you've ever wanted. Give me your life, and I will give you him. Yes, you know that he'll look at you the way he looked at her if you're skinnier, prettier. Come back to meeeeeeee......"
This is such a hard road sometimes, but hey, if it was easy, wouldn't eveyone else be doing it to? It's part of the pull, being different. Tonight I've got a meal plan, maybe that'll help me stay on track. I'm going to "eat"  a bowl, a whole can actually, of chicken and vegetable rotini from progresso. It's pretty low in calories anyway and its even less if you only drink some of the broth :) and its warm and makes my tummy feel good.

     The little kids I've been babysitting since 6 eat sooooo much!! Oh my gosh i wish i had their metabolism. And one kid takes ADD medicine and it curbs his apetite ALL day!! So freaking lucky....ugh i hate my body. This morning i didn't even want to look at the scale, I knew it would be up from last night. I'll check it tomorrow, afterall, i don't wanna loose motivation :) I've started a tougher work out routine and it kills my abs. It feels really good after about twenty minutes of it :)



              keep on it girlies, we'll all get there!!
                                                          B :)

woo! 2 subscribers!!!

Thank you sofia :) So yesterday was a total disaster. I completely ignored Ana all day. I tried to throw up after eating probably a 1500 cal meal with a slice of pecan pie, but i fell asleep :( and when i woke up, it was too late.....then to make matters worse, i snacked!! in front of the tv too!!! Ugh i hated every bite, but i couldn't stop. It was worse than a binge :( But today i'm making up for it. I heard that it was bad to fast after a really bad day (apparently you'll actually retain water) so today i'm shooting for about 300 cal. I had breakfast since i've been babysitting since 6 this morning, so I had about 1 1/2 tablespoons of cereal with about a 1/2 tablespoon of 0% milk- probably 80 cal. Then i had about twenty raisins- probably about 50 cal. i'm feeling pretty good :) I'll try and write more later, a lil kid is currently sitting on my lap :)

woo! first member!

Thank you skinnylittleflower :) you totally just made my day! So today is the big day...the horrible awful day: Thanksgiving. Last night dinner went well. I drank three bottles of water during dinner but the chicken was just soooooooo good. And it was stir-fry with lots of veggies and gluten free soy sauce, so probably around 300 calories. But i had "lunch" and that was a granola bar- 170 cals. Then i had a glass of sunny D (i was babysitting) which was about 80 cals cause it was a really tiny glass. So originally about 550. But then i was overwhelmed and i purged.....again. I really need to get better control over my mind and stop binging :( i'm losing my singing voice. And that is SO NOT good. Well i'm off to go back to sleep, i just finished basting the turkey. I'm so glad turkey is a low cal meat, it makes me feel a lil bit better :)

Thanksgiving...oooooooh dear.

So thanksgiving used to be my favorite part of the year, well that and Christmas. I could stuff my face and no one would think twice about it. But this year is definitely going to be different. Being that my parents are divorced, I'll have two dinners....on the SAME day. My dad knows i'm a little piggy (or that i used to be, i hide food in my room now so he thinks i still eat all the time) so there is absolutely no "I'm really not that hungry". BUT!!! I could play the whole, i'm not feeling so well, i think i've got strep thing :) i always get sick on long school vacations. Every year for spring break since....i don't know...3rd grade? i've gotten the flu. Every year. But this year i've kinda made plans to make out with this boy the whole time :) so sick is not an option. Thin is a requirement though :D today i was 125.2, which is ok, i think my dad's scale is off though so thats why it said 122 the other day. I wish it would say that today :( but i'm baby sitting all day and i've been here since 6 this morning. Unfortunately i let my mother talk me into packing a granola bar....i ate it....all of it. *sigh* still no where near perfection.

122.8!!

I'm seeing new numbers on the scale!!! yay! however, it is morning, and i want to see that beautiful number at night :) but i know i'll probably see something like 125. Ugh i fluctuate so much, it sickens me. Last night my lunch and dinner combined was brownie crumbs a cookie :) but breakfast was big, so, yeah :(


weight-122.8
calories-probably around 300 (eesh i cant believe i ate something i didn't know the calorie content of)

T.T.

i wrote T.T. in sharpie on my side where no one but me can see it. It helps remind me to "think thin" and i my friends see it, i just tell them its a nonprofit organization to promote anorexia since my best friend has ti :) every time i want to eat, i go look in the mirror :D

i loathe myself

really , i do. i have absolutely NO self control...and i cant' even throw it all back up, because i have this dumb concert at my school and i dont' have enough time. Today's weight: 128. Today's calorie intake: 400!!! that is 300 too many! i can feel them all inside me, just laughing as i try to rid myself of them....ugh. i hate myself.

Oh one more thing

I found something out :) now, this is just what i find works. I'm not a huge fan of drinking anything, but if i leave the cap off my water, it makes me want to drink it :)

Back from a slumber party

ugh, i love my friends, but i hate how much they all eat!!! All night i had to keep turning down food. And in the morning i felt great!! Until my friend's dad made me eat french toast....damn french toast...i tried to eat it w/o syrup and my friend was like, "oh no, thats not the way you do it" and slathered syrup ALL over it!!! So i left before she made me each lunch. Now i'm home and my dad's on my case about eating something. ugh. family dinner tonight....YAY.



today's weight: 128.2

2nd day

Wow long day....i always feel like i have to eat around my dad :(  so today was pretty good, i slept through dinner, then when i woke up i found out my mom was a swim meet! So i "ate". I basically just threw some food into the trash and then kinda hid it with other stuff. Lunch was good too :) only half a granola bar.