So i have a lot to update on. I met a guy. He's really nice and makes me feel beautiful, so for a couple days i thought i could ease up......but tonight Ana came back. I heard again. She understood, but she was still furious. She can give me everything i want, and now that i have him, i want it all. I want to be able to run and jump into his arms and he be able to catch me with one hand. I want him to feel as though he has to hold me down when we walk outside for fear of the wind blowing me away. I know it sounds cliche and stupid, but he's perfect.....he's a jock so he's got this amazing body :) and it just makes me want to be even tinier!!! I'm floating around 120-119 ish, but ugh that seems so high!!! And my mom told me yesterday that i could loose another 5 pounds. I acted a lil upset (as though i thought i was at the perfect weight, HA!) but i'm secretly pleased :) this means i can get down to 115 w/o her caring, and then 110, then 103.....oooo the possibilities :D i'm sooo giddy i feel like a lil girl who just got her fist kiss!!
I've been comfortable with myself, and so i've allowed myself to slip up since thursday. But that all ends right now. I made a promise to Ana not to eat a morsel and not to let a crumb pass my lips. I really intend to uphold it this time :) People are starting to notice that i'm not eating. I had 4 people come up to me at church just to make sure i WAS eating. Inside i'm kinda happy that people are thinking i'm getting skinneier, but that will never be enough.......i want to be underweight. I want to be sent away b/c people think i'm so sick...does that make since? Or is it just really morbid?
Like my title says, i've failed the last couple days, but that all ends tonight. I'm back on track and nothing will get in my way of being 103 lbs!!!!!
lots of love, B :)
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