I can't sleep

As I obviously just stated, i can't sleep. But I'll update you. I'm at 116.6  tonight, however i;m going ot be with family all day later and i'm sure i'm going to have to eat. Luckily i'm a vegetarian
 ;)

37

whew! Its been 37 hours since i've eaten :) My goal is to go to 48 :) I was really wanting to be 115 by today, but i messed up on sunday and monday, so I didn't get there :( This mornings weigh in was 118.2. ick.  the other day my evening was actually lower than my morning, so i'm hoping that'll happen today :)

Blah i hate breaks!!!! All that nasty food is taunting me. i don't want it though. Like i literally went and forced myself to sit in the kitchen and not touch anything. I've found that i  just want to chew something, so i just crush up some ice and i'm good to go! i can't even take the taste of a peppermint because i feel like the lingering taste leaves ligering cals. They're only 15 cal a peice, but it feels like more. So i'm on the the ice diet :)

love ya girls!!!

Every fail is an oppertunity to get back up and do it again, only this time even better

                So i have a lot to update on. I met a guy. He's really nice and makes me feel beautiful, so for a couple days i thought i could ease up......but tonight Ana came back. I heard again. She understood, but she was still furious. She can give me everything i want, and now that i have him, i want it all. I want to be able to run and jump into his arms and he be able to catch me with one hand. I want him to feel as though he has to hold me down when we walk outside for fear of the wind blowing me away. I know it sounds cliche and stupid, but he's perfect.....he's a jock so he's got this amazing body :) and it just makes me want to be even tinier!!! I'm floating around 120-119 ish, but ugh that seems so high!!! And my mom told me yesterday that i could loose another 5 pounds. I acted a lil upset (as though i thought i was at the perfect weight, HA!) but i'm secretly pleased :) this means i can get down to 115 w/o her caring, and then 110, then 103.....oooo the possibilities :D i'm sooo giddy i feel like a lil girl who just got her fist kiss!!

          
                I've been comfortable with myself, and so i've allowed myself to slip up since thursday. But that all ends right now. I made a promise to Ana not to eat a morsel and not to let a crumb pass my lips. I really intend to uphold it this time :) People are starting to notice that i'm not eating. I had 4 people come up to me at church just to make sure i WAS eating. Inside i'm kinda happy that people are thinking i'm getting skinneier, but that will never be enough.......i want to be underweight. I want to be sent away b/c people think i'm so sick...does that make since? Or is it just really morbid?

               Like my title says, i've failed the last couple days, but that all ends tonight. I'm back on track and nothing will get in my way of being 103 lbs!!!!!

                lots of love, B :)

i hate myself.

school parties suck. i hate them. i failed yesterday. i really failed today. i don't even wanna talk about it cause it was so bad. i just popped two laxatives, i hope they'll help. btw, i'm hovering around 120.

soooo weak

hey guys, so yesterday i had a grand total of 95 cals, and boy am i weak. I've got finals today, so i'm gonna drink a glass of orange juice. i was taking a shower and i almost passed out. As exciting as that is, i can't afford to do that at school.....too many  (ok two) people are already suspicious. Love ya guys!

hey guys

ok yes i know, its been forever since i posted. Believe me, i know. So lemme tell you why. My parents are divorced and have been since i was 5, everything was going great...until this year. So we had family counseling and now i spend two weeks at a time with one parent and my mom doesn't have internet. But now i'm over here till Christmas eve :) so yesterday i got down to 120.2!! But i was with my mom all day  and we were shopping but then she made enchiladas and i ate a whole freaking one! god i'm such a freaking fatty!!! Today's weigh in was 123.3. i was so close yesterday...almost to 119, i could touch it. And then i ate. Eating doesn't solve any of my problems, it only makes it worse, so why do i do it?? Everytime i switch houses its like i have to get use to the fact that theres another kitchen i have to steer myself awasy form, so its like i have to start all over. Do you ever feel like this? Then today i didnt' pack a lunch (duh) and my friend got really mad at me, and made me eat. I'm not so good at being secretive apparently, cause people are starting to notice. But i'm back over at my dad's so i can take healthy food, and manage to fool everyone into thinking i'm eating when really i'm only eating about 36 cals ;) and my dad gives me a lot more privacy, so that makes me happy :) anyway i'm gonna go look at thinspo, i haven't seen any in waaaaaay to long. I was almost beginning to think i was getting skinny enough!

Bye girlies!!